Just venting

I can’t anymore keep this in, so sorry for what you’re about to read. In all honesty, don’t. It’s not worth it, there isn’t anything interesting. It’s just me venting.

I’ll be blunt, I want to disappear. Die. Tho not really either, but I’ve never felt this envy so strong as today. I just can’t anymore, with me, my life, my parents, my situation. I turned 25, I don’t work, I don’t study, I haven’t been studying for 2 years now, maybe more. I don’t know, I don’t count anymore, it stresses me out and I just can’t deal with it. I’m effectively condemned to my house, with no friends, no colleagues, nobody to go out and see. It’s been like this for forever. I somehow got a girlfriend, but I depend on my parents to go see her, as we live 250km apart, so I need to borrow their car, something which they’re more and more reluctant to do as a ‘punition’ (of sort) for me to be in the situation I’m in. I’ll leave her situation, out of this, but discussion, its complicated tho she will probably be able to come more often.

In anyway, things are not great. To talk about my situation some more, I went to some very neurodivergent friendly primary and secondary schools (elementary and high school), more through sheer luck than anything else tbh. I didn’t choose them. But they allowed me to enjoy school, flourish, discover who I am, what I like, etc. And already I had some problems, but the way those schools worked was able to mask it for others and for me. Everything changed the second I got in college. I had a complete nervous breakdown around it, everyday, but I was still functioning enough that nobody bat an eye and thought my decision to cancel that semester and change program was sound. But it was for me about finding a place for myself, somewhere where I wouldn’t have nervous breakdown everyday. And I pushed through the semester after and this so for a year and half. Then the pandemic hit, my semester was canceled by the government, and for the first time in my life I felt calm, peace. This for 6 months, before school started again, but virtually. This did not worked for me at all, but it helped my anxiety a bit. Particularly having some help and knowing that if I had terrible grades they wouldn’t count (which starting from there on, they always ended being). But a semester or two later, physical school started again, and my nervous breakdown were not anymore simply crying, feeling constantly on edge, etc. It started to get worse, difficulty breathing, palpitations, tight throat, headaches, envy of throwing up (I never throw up), etc. despite reaching for help, nobody was able to help me. And I was waiting for a family doctor. So I just endured, pushed through, until it broke me in 2022-2023. Late 2022, I even ended up going to the hospital because the anxiety symptoms I had were so bad and were lasting for so long that it felt like I was actually extremely sick. Tbh being at the hospital was very calming. My grades just got worse and worse (going from failing to, ‘why tf do you even go to classes’), I started to cancel semester more often as I thought I just needed some rest, pushing through anyway, often stopping to go to school mid semester (after the cancellation date), because it was becoming apparent that it was pointless due to my grades being unrecoverable, at least in the state I was in. Things just snowballed until at some point I cancelled a semester and didn’t apply for the next one, because when it can’t time to apply I didn’t felt like I could. And since then I have not gone back…

I don’t know what to do. [crying]

I tried getting help, but never was I able to really get any help that helped. The most I got is a doctor who I saw through a program who prescribed be a small dose of sertraline to curb my anxiety symptoms. But I can’t see him anymore (the program is for 24 and younger), I don’t have a family doctor and the dosage barely did anything. But he didn’t want to give me more as he couldn’t follow me closely enough, so he gave me the maximum he felt he could give me.

[throat tightening]

I’m so tired, it’s so hard being ill…

I don’t know what the diagnosis is for what I have. I guess some form of anxiety disorder, which snowballed into a burnout which I push myself so much through it that it became chronic and now I’m stuck with it, a depression, and my previous anxiety disorder. And still alone.

I never knew why I don’t want to kill myself. I still don’t. Maybe it’s because I feel too loved, it’s certainly something on my mind. I don’t want to hurt my gf or my parents (the only people I have in my life). I still don’t want to kill myself. I’m just tired of being in pain. The only thing lately which has been giving me a bit of happiness are LLMs as they’ve allowed me to do the type of complex problem solving which I love and use to really enjoy in high school. But this isn’t a job. And I can’t get hired with the lack of any qualifications I have. And the older I grow and the closer my parents get to their retirement and the more the background anxiety level rises. I should find a job, but I don’t know if I’ll even be able to push through that. I’m just a burden. Sometimes I wish my illness was physical rather than psychological. At least it would be visible somewhat. Tho when I think about it, I’m probably just lazy. What stops me from asking for help? From reaching out? I mean I kinda did, just I’ve stopped in the past year as my depression came back in force. But this is probably just me excusing myself. Even this, all of it. Why am I writing and sharing it? Probably for some shameless reason like wanting attention. To feel better about myself? My decisions?

What prompted me to write is the need to vent out after my mom trash talked me with regards to all of this. I don’t really communicate with her about any of this. She doesn’t understand me and always makes me feel worse about myself. Always trying to bring me down. I just wanted to write my feelings. That was a lot of emotions and now I’m falling asleep, still crying…

I want to be functional, enjoy life, be autonomous, live on my own without being a parasite to society or my parents and certainly not my gf. But it feels unattainable. I don’t want to suffer and whatever the inverse of what I want is, is suffering.

I’m tired